JOKES JOKES
Erap's Acceptance Speech
My countrymen, women and children and also in the city: The ballots and the penoys have ispoken. I have won by a landscape. I swept the polls hands up. And so...uh...I, Joseph Ejercito, a.k.a. Joseph Estrada, alias Erap, am honorable to accept...er... the position of your President of the ah...Republic of the Philippines. As your President, I'll never promise you a rose garden. But I swear, on my word of Aunor, to serve the people as good as it gets. There is no truth to the humor that I am just a puppet... see? no strings attached! how can I be a puppet?...of Danding Cojuangco. But I have 30 advisers to...uh...help me clean out the country. And as former Senator Enrile suggested, I will add 10 more advisers so that you can also call me Ali-Baba. I don't know what that means but it sound good. I will continue the economic program of FVR for Philippines 2000 years from now. So that...uh...everybody, young and old, richer and...uh... poorer, better or worse will have the-ah chance to take advantage of me while I am your President. Because that is my slogan. Erap, Para Mahirap! I thanks God for making me the 13th president, even though Cardinal Sin did not like me because I am more sinful than him. And I thanks all my fans for their confident in my cuppabilities and intelligent. I know you are taking a big gamble by voting for me but that's okay. I like gambling. There I always a chance. And...uh...to those who do not like me and plan to oppose me, remember: Isang Bala Ka Lang. I thanks you and congratulations to me!
Admittance To Heaven
Saint Peter is standing in front of the pearly gates with a line of people waiting to be accepted or denied into heaven. "Okay, now you, what was your occupation?" Saint Peter asks the next man in line."Well, I was a salesperson." He responded."Hmmm, how interesting, you may enter." The man enters. "Okay,what was your occupation?" Saint Peter asks the next man in line."Well, I was a church minister." He responded."Okay could you stand in that other waiting line there please."The minister complies to Saint Peter's request hoping that this line wasn't the line to hell. "How about you, what was your occupation ? ".He asked the next man in line."Well Mr. Peter, I was a taxi cab driver." He responded."Okay, you may enter." Saint Peter said."Wait a minute!" The minister screams after hearing that; "I was a minister teaching religion and HE WAS A TAXI CAB DRIVER! Why do I have to wait here and he can go in?!?""Ahh my child, that is simple." Saint Peter explains his choice. "While you were preaching to your congregation, people slept.When he was driving, people were praying.
An excerpt from an English-Filipino Dictionary
Aspect: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo
City: bago mag-ocho
Deduct: ang bibe
Defeat: ang paa
Deposit: ang gripo
Detail: ang buntot
Devastation: istasyon ng bus
Effort: kung saan nagla-lang ang erflane
Melt: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon
Persuading: unang kasal
Depress: ang nagkasal sa persuading
Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa
Protestant: tindahan ng prutas
Statue: ikaw ba 'yan?
HoW to bE AnNoYiNg
Horray for Pal
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Procopio:
"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement:
"Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
As commented by one of the passengers:
"Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:
"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES- "
NGWEK!
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!
In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"
Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well."
"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."
Tatlong oras pa lang, narinig na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi".
"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"
"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy.
"Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.
"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch...your car is a BMW..."
Long Distance
May bagong salta sa America na gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas.
Pinindot niya ang '0' para sa Operator.
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in...Important and L as in... Elephant.
Operator: A-che-che!!!
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. Thefirst man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir.""Do you love your country?""Yes I do, sir.""What do you love more, your wife or your country?""My country, sir.""Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and gointo the next room and kill her."The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the run down and says "I can`t do it..."The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BALM! BLAM! BLAM!BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train
Ano ang maliit na goat? kapirangot
Eh ano ang maliit na cat? katiting
Ano naman ang maliit na duck? pandak
Bakit nahihiya ang biik? kasi baboy ang nanay n'ya
Bakit nahihiya ang duckling? kasi kumekembot ang tatay n'ya pag naglalakad
How to use curtain and kitchen in a sentence: "'Wag mo 'kong curtain Masakitchen!"
Mga totoong lugar sa Manila:
Ali Baka ( Shawarma ) Anita Bakery Beefer 150 ( Meat Shop ) Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store ) Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery ) Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon ) Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery ) Elizabeth Tailoring Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore ) Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop ) Funeraria Mabuhay Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop ) Labo Optical L.B.M. Restaurant Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency ) Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor ) Meating Place ( Meat Shop ) Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone ) Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go ) O'Beer Time ( Bar cum Nightclub ) Passers Buy ( Convenience Store ) Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon ) Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop ) Saudia Hairlines ( Beauty Salon ) Scissors Palace ( Barber shop ) Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store ) TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka ) The Way We Wear ( Boutique ) Wash & Carry ( Laundromat ) Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop ) Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides ) MacDonuts ( Donut Shop ) Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop ) Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )
Mi Ultimo UboPinoy Signs and Ad's ssign sa harap ng isang boutique sa Quirino hi-way:
NO PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS, ONLY. (hindi raw pwedeng mag-park ang mga customers!)
Ad sa isang local newspaper sa Baguio:
HOUSE FOR RENT: 2 Bedrooms WITH BEDS
Sign sa isang tindahan along Rizal Ave.:
WE BUY GIFT CHECKS AND ALL KINDS
Common Qualification sa mga Help Wanted Ads sa mga dyaryo natin:
QUALIFICATIONS:
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED BUT NOT REQUIRED
Vandalism sa bus:
BOY AND MARCY...... THAT'S ARE FRIENDS!
Sign sa Novaliches:
"EDUCATION IS NOTHING WITHOUT MEANING"
(ano daw?)
Creative Filipino Business names:
MASTERVISION (video rental shop)
PETAL ATTRACTION (flower shop)
INTERNATIONAL FUNERAL HOMES (kailangan kaya ng visa dito?)
LUNAS SIKMURA (a last-resort restaurant)
STD (if it's car parts, hardware, or disease, we're not sure)
Le Cheng Tea House (Was the owner in a bad mood when it was named?)
DETH'S Eatery (eat and you die!)
Erap, on his way to the US, decided to stop by the vendo machine by the airport lounge. He drops a few coins and out comes a can of coke. "Okey ito ha! "He drops a few more coins and out comes a candy bar "Ba, ayos a!" His aide comes over to him and says, "Sir, boarding time na ho sa eroplano!" Erap: "Wag kang magulo! Hindi mo bang nakikita na nananalo pa ako ----Bwisit!!!" Finally, he boards the plane with a bag full of coke and chocolate bars. He goes directly into first class. The stewardess (pinay) was alarmed and tells the Purser, "Sir, the Vice President, Erap is seated in first class. His ticket is only business. What shall we do?" The purser takes a minute and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it". The purser approaches Erap who is fidgeting with his seatbelts. PURSER: "Good morning ser....saan kayo papunta??? ERAP: "Sa America...bakit?" PURSER: "Naku ser, sa likod nalang ho kayo umupo at doon ang papunta sa America...dito sa harap ang papuntang Japan!!" ERAP: "Ah ganoon ba...buti sinabi mo...sige, lilipat na ako!" Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, Erap listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?" German: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany...the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin." The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?" The Jap says proudly, "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanese technology in Japan! Have mic implant in tongue...and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh." ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong fart. "....TRRRRRRR,TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&?%$#@! What's that sound???" Erap says proudly,"Ah that, that's nothing. I was only sending a fax to the President!"
wala akong masabi.Lolit Solis - Defense (wala ng tataray pa) Dolphy - Labor (Sanay sa buntisan) Rosanna Roces - Natural Resources (Alam mo na...) German Moreno - Local Government (Sanay mag organize - Monday Group,Tuesday Group...etc..) Foreign Affairs - Ogie Alcasid (proven!) Inday Badiday - Information (sino pa ba? eh patay na si Babette Villaruel?) Robin Padilla - Sports (Sanay sa rambulan) Ben Tisoy - Agriculture (mukhang lupa) Pitoy Moreno - Interior (Design) Fernando Poe - Chief of Staff (syempre! may kakasa ba?) Vic Sotto - PhilVolcs (sanay magpaputok) Ramon Revilla - Transportation (para malipat na ang traffic sa Cavite) Palito - Health (para huwag pamarisan) Jimmy Santos - Education (magaling sa inglesan) Leo Martinez - secretary of Tourism (for more pedophiles) Nora Aunor - Secretary of Finance (broke kasi) Gary Lising - Press Secretary Erap Estrada (yes, sya na rin) - BIR (yan ang spelling nya ng beer) Christy Fermin - NBI (magaling mag-imbestiga)
FOOD
